Dog lovee

This is about a little lonely dog talking to his owner

Now it's up to me

To roll with the homies.

Butter Lexicon.....

Upon looking in the mirror.....i came up with the following:

Muffin top: pretty self-explanatory.
Weeding Cake top: When you try to squeeze into size 32 pants when your waist is 38+
Cupcake top: Your pants are idle fitting but not so much. Suck it in.
Cheesecake top: A muffin top with a generous help of cellulite.
Creme brulee top: A muffin top that doesn't take showers.

Role Model

It's just different angles

I said I love you....

And that's KINDA forever......


..........until............


Brad breaks up with his boyfriend.

I will take that raincheck please.....

I am putting on hold the most unjustifiable tantrum of the year right now. (A) because no one is here to witness it, (B) I eat very little, my balance is off...therefore any thrusting or uncontrollable sobbing might make me pass out, (C) this outfit doesn't go with it.
On the good side i don't have to worry about losing weight or being charming. I have a bowl full of rice in the microwave!

Really....

No one cares about aim anymore.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.....

* That's a nice shirt. Oh no, that's your back hair, and your shoulder hair, and the hair between between your shoulder and your chest!
* Use that batwing sweater and fly away.
* Kelly can you handle this? michelle can you handle this, beyonce can you candle this?
* I wish the day had more hours and paper would turn into money.
* Yesterday I sported a old worn knit hat, bleached jeans and splatter t-shirt.....all i was missing was a fixed gear bike and to be 30 lbs underweight.
* No more i love yous....not even on text
* The contents of my living amounted to 21 boxes....16 clothes (shoes not included)
* I'm sorry we don't have a bathroom, I'm sorry you can't pee in my bag.
* Sassy held together by safety pins.

Little sister

Babosadas in a nightgown

When i'm very stressed out such as at these times I find the best remedy is to go grocery shopping!!!!....?
It's a bit unusual. See, normally i would just get hungry and eat my weight in french fries, rice, bread and any other carb that would pass my sight. When i overstock on spinach, tofu, and peanuts i feel full and a bit more relaxed. I don't eat anything....i just kind of hoard it.
It's different than shopping for clothes somehow because while clothing is really non-essential (lets say 5 fannypacks and 6 jumpsuits).....you need soy sauce at any given moment!
This is probably something i should be telling a therapist really.
I went looking for a muumuu today but found nothing....i'm still waiting for the right one to hit me in the head with a bucket of fried chicken.
I also saw "good hair" today in an okay hair day.
I'm thinking of either shaving my head or the mustache.

Tears enabling ordinary life....

I freaked out at Kragen today after breaking one set of wiper blades.....

A good man there was probably missing his good deed for the day and helped me install them.....Well, not so much help but he did it all.

I felt like Carmen Maura in an Almodovar film.

Also....i'm not a Disney gay but if Critter Country could ever look like this I'd buy my pass in a heartbeat and in payments

We were all going to be princesses

Deconstruct reality, reconstruct love

For my next piece I'm cutting out letters to spell "i love you" from a paper of notes that originally had directions on.
So emo......

Lost children

While i was at kaiser today i saw a handful of 4-5 year olds sobbing because they had lost their mothers. Two days ago I also saw a little girl at work in the front of the store crying because she was mom-less. I know what to do if they are trying to steal a pair of harem pants, but my training didn't include anything about abandoned little asian girls?
When i was little my parents took me grocery shopping to a "fruteria" which is a store where you only buy fruits and vegetables. I've always been drawn to yellow, so normally i was lost in between the lemons and quinces. When i began looking for my mom she was nowhere to be found. I searched throughout the entire store (only my mom, for some reason i wasn't worried my dad wasn't there). When my search was deemed fruitless I began sobbing inconsolably. I ran out of the store and searched for my parents in every store in the block. At this time I had already begun hating my life as the adopted son of a grocer man (because essentially they would've had to adopt me being left with no parents). On the bright side i could have had all the lemons and papayas my heart could ever desire.
Turns out my parents were in the back with the owner checking out watermelons. My mother has always been under the impression grocers, bakers, and accountants hide all the good things in the back. My father tags along sampling everything he can get his hands on (here, that's probably called stealing.....to what he replies "i'm just sampling fruit to see if we should buy a kilo or two").
The owner's wife had been a silent witness to my rampage. She took me to the back laughing histerically to where my parents were. To her I forever became "the boy that cried for his mommy".
I was 8.

Every tool can be a weapon once you learn how to hold it....

Provided i had the skills and patience to execute my ideas......and a whollllalot of chicken wire....
I'd switch from being aunt jemima to a luis bunuel poster for halloween.

I like to listen to the ukelele orchestra of great britain....

However, not even this guy would reply to my messages on ok.cupid.

This shirt saves ironing....

I saw at the grocery store today....
I hid behind some man.....
I've never seen you look so good....
I'm glad you're doing well....

I actually hid behing a bottle of 2 buck chuck, but you caught me.
Friendly and ungraceful as I usually am, I mumbled words with some sense.
You looked taller and your eyes looked greener....even though you were wearing sweatpants and ugh flip flops.
You said you liked my bandana, and i stood shiftless and i chuckled "asshole".

The lady at the checkout said "why do you look like a cowboy today?"
If i was Glenn Close this would be a movie.

houston, we have a problemo

It's called omegle.com
A chatroom where you talk to a complete stranger.....
but few people want to listen to imaginary sex scapades.....
that's what craigslist rants and raves are for.

Jerri Blank says "I've got something to say!".....and then i have nothing to say....
(your conversational partner has disconnected)

It's like watching bambi learn how to walk

When my ex boyfriend was little (probably about 5), he used to get dressed up for every superbowl because he was certain that this time the publishing clearing house would show up to his house.
Short and sweet the////my first post.